They call you weak. They know nothing of your life.

Someone recently said to me that men who stay in toxic relationships are weak. That it's their own fault.

Let me push back.

Toxicity is the slow erosion that happens over months and years. It’s that thing when the person you love tells you you are not good enough - masked as “You’re just a man, you wouldn’t understand”, “I love you, but…” or the absence of presence when intimacy is happening. When the thoughts are with someone else or a fantasy, and you know it. Because you feel it. And it's heartbreaking.

Toxicity always creeps slowly into romantic relationships. Because no one wants to believe that their partner is toxic, right? No one wants to believe that the little stabs against your haircut, the way you wear your beard, what you wear underneath, how you speak, what language you use, or what nerdism you have, is not meant lovingly, right?

And we brush them away as “It's just a joke.”. “It's their humour, I don't mind.” or that awkward little laugh that says “It's no biggy - but it hurts.”

It’s like weight gain you don’t see coming

Toxicity from a loved one is like weight gain. It builds up over years when we don't watch our eating and exercise habits, and once we notice, it's way past an easy fix.

The problem also is:

What would you even look out for when you don't know the red flags yet?

How would you know when for example you had an upbringing under toxic parents or a toxic mother/father?

The problem is that the nervous system registers toxicity as normal. It's accustomed to it, ergo in its “comfort zone” and although it hurts AF, it feels safe.

Because that is how the brain works.

Look closely at their life

Let's see how you can help yourself in such situations, where a “pal”, “mate” or “buddy” calls you weak - even when it's not out loud. Because you KNOW their state of mind, you KNOW how they judge.

Look closely at their life. Become the observer. Not the judge, but the realistic observations. 

Let's take that man who said the above as an example:

That guy has chosen a non-committal life. He's a great deal avoidant attached, and is scared of vulnerability. He will always brush it off as weak when a man shows feelings and emotions, and he will always shame when he sniffs out a weakness in someone.

He has no kids and never wanted any, he's not married. Which in itself is ok of course, however, he does not have your life. He doesn’t know the level of commitment that a family brings.

He had a great upbringing actually - one of those rare ones where the world was great for the majority, where he didn’t have to face any burdens like having to suppress your emotions, be the provider already as a kid, and “man up” when you showed vulnerability.

But most importantly: he is not you. He doesn’t live your life. He doesn’t know what it means to be committed and having that level of responsibility as well. He doesn’t know how it feels when you’re intimately connecting with someone - and feel that someone diminish and erode you. He doesn’t know what it means to stay because of the kids, the family, the house…

Staying takes strength

Yes, you need to take action and stop being the punchball for the person you love.

But that is a completely different thing than being weak. It costs much strength and resilience to stay. To try and make it work.

Additionally, how we were brought up, how we then lived our lives, how we went through it is our unique journey. That man who said that ugly thing? He knows nothing of the depth of your life.

Divorce their mindset 

So, what I want to say clearly, and LOUDLY:

Dear men, when you have pals or buddies in your circles that put you down like that? Not even verbally, but you know how they think about you?

Or you see one of those puffed up peacocks online who shout at you to “man up”?

Divorce them. 

Divorce from their mindsets. 

And partner up with your own strength and resilience.

You've made it this far. You have tons more experience in the hard things of life.

Shut those “buddies” up by walking away. They are not your buddies anyway - at least not the real ones, who you can rely on when it gets tough.

It is your right to do so any time.

And then let's talk and see how we can help you utilise your strength and resilience for your future.

Book a call here:

Book a call

Follow me on Substack