Be kinder than you think you need to be this Christmas

In the run-up to Christmas, it becomes incredibly important to be even more compassionate, more understanding, and more supportive towards others.

Here’s why.

1. Not everyone who looks put together actually is

Quite the opposite, in fact.

Many people (especially men) who seem to have it all sorted have simply become very good at letting the world see only what they want it to see. Often, that comes from fear: fear of being hurt, ridiculed, taken advantage of - or exposed.

What’s really going on for many of them (me included) looks more like this:

We sit in exhaustion, fear, anxiety, pain, and hurt - sometimes with silent tears, sometimes not so silent ones - when no one is watching.

We sit with our shoulders slumped. Or we bump our heads against the tiled wall in the shower, where no one can hear or see us fall apart.

👉 We keep asking ourselves when this will stop.

👉 When someone will look after us.

👉 When someone will do something for us.

👉 When the load will finally be lifted.

Strong, resilient, deeply compassionate people are particularly affected by this - regardless of gender or orientation.

Whilst the roots of this pattern are often a fear of vulnerability due to past pain, a deep need for control (so you won’t get hurt again), or weak personal boundaries, one thing still matters enormously:

• A single act of outreach can interrupt the spiral.

• A simple “I’m here” can land far deeper than you think.

2. Christmas is one of the most emotionally loaded times of the year

There is enormous pressure from society to be happy, jolly, and extroverted. This hits introverts particularly hard.

Add to that the family dynamics where you either do not want to say “No”, or do not yet know how to say it and hold your boundaries; layer on the endless “shoulds” and “musts”, and it becomes emotionally exhausting.

Learning to say No is an incredibly powerful, self-respect-building skill. But it takes time to learn and even longer to feel natural.

So for this Christmas, focus on small boundaries - and treat other people’s boundaries as a given, not a personal slight.

For introverts especially, who are still casually labelled as “shy” or “quiet”, speaking up can feel like pushing against something solid.

A few practical ways to look after yourself this Christmas:

When things get too noisy, crowded, or overwhelming, excuse yourself and find a quiet space. Stay there. Read. Listen to music. Ground yourself. Let your nervous system settle.

If someone wants to pull you into an argument, you are allowed to say:

“I need to do this for myself so I can be my best version for you.”

If that feels like too much right now, say you need the loo. It is the easiest exit, even if it does not yet build the boundary muscle.

If you’re thinking, “Easy for you to say”, that reaction usually comes from being triggered - not from an understanding of what boundary work actually costs.

I have set boundaries that resulted in having no real family left to speak of or to. I have also removed people from my life who were deeply toxic and repeatedly made me feel small and unsafe.

In my business, I set boundaries that scared the hell out of me. But the moment I said my first firm NO to a client? I felt ecstatic.

Healthy boundaries do not just earn respect from others. They build deep self-respect. And that, in turn, changes how others relate to you.

3. Check in on the one who always checks in on you

If you have that friend who always checks in, always remembers, always thinks of you - and you don’t reach out because you assume “they’re fine” - chances are, they’re not.

Make it a habit to check in on them too, especially if you know they’re alone. This ties directly back to the first point.

Here’s a way to do it without forcing conversation:

“Hey, I saw this ridiculous pickled cucumber and thought of you.”

Attach a photo of the pickled cucumber ornament.

Nothing else.

You didn’t just think of them. You acted on it.

On their side, that lands as feeling seen, valued, and remembered.

This applies to all relationships, not just friendships.

So don’t assume someone is okay simply because they smile, put on a brave face, or say they’re fine.

Living here in the UK for nearly a decade, I’ve noticed how often “I’m fine” really means “I don’t know how to say what’s actually going on”. A cuppa helps, apparently.

But maybe this time of year is an invitation to listen a little more closely.

To notice.

To reach out.

To be more heartfelt and kinder than you think you need to be.

If this resonates and you want to start building healthier boundaries - gently and properly - take one small step. If you don't know where to begin, talk to me. That alone is enough to begin.

Book a call to talk about learning to set boundaries