Why ‘Healthy Masculinity’ Is Getting More Toxic Instead of Better

This is not about hyped ‘healthy masculinity’ - this is about the ecosystem around it

There’s a hype and a lot of noise around “healthy masculinity” at the moment, and as someone who’s fairly grounded and sees patterns clearly, I’m not a fan of how it’s playing out.

What I’ve noticed is this: even though the original intention behind the term might have been good, people are now using it to put more pressure on men. More demands. More subtle shaming. More narratives about how men are “wrong” or “not enough”.

And no one mentions the other side of it: toxic femininity.

Much of what I’ve seen lately fuels more division, guilt, confusion, and - honestly - hate.

It rubs me the wrong way. It also makes me angry.

Maybe I’m just getting older and can see the cycles more clearly. I used to hope the world might take something good and leave it as it is. But at nearly forty-nine, I sometimes wonder if I should just throw my arms in the air, let out a huff, and say: “fuck this shit”.

Of course, that’s not who I am.

Which is why I’ve written this, and why I’m starting a series that’s grounded, educational, myth-busting, and designed to pull this conversation back into an actually healthy direction.

First off:

Healthy masculinity is not a gender performance.

It’s a set of human qualities that apply to anyone who wants to live from strength, integrity, compassion, and self-respect.

Here’s my starting point:

Men need:

• Love

• Care

• Understanding

• Nurturing

• To feel safe (Yes, gentlemen, you know I’m right - even if your first reaction is “Bah! Humbug!”. That’s conditioning. What you feel underneath is likely a tiny pang in the heart that just looked up, fully attentive.)

  
  

Men also need to:

• Love

• Care

• Understand

• Nurture

• Protect

And women need all of the above too. If the “protect” part surprises you: think of a mother defending a child, or a woman caring for someone ill. In the natural world, most mothers defend their young and their tribe at all cost.

The only difference is how we express these things as men and women. The behaviour is different. The root is universal.

This isn’t about gender - it’s about the human condition, which is ultimately driven by the needs above. Yes, sex matters too, but that’s not the point of this article.

Here’s the actual problem:

Masculinity is being discussed in a vacuum.

It’s either demonised or softened to the point of parody.

Men are trying to live healthily in a world that often:

• Shames them

• Mocks their pain

• Mocks their sensitivity

• Rewards women for behaviour that would be condemned in men (“princess”, “brat”, entitlement)

• Expects men to give endlessly while asking for nothing in return

Given all of this, we can’t demand emotional maturity from men while pretending women don’t fall into toxic patterns. Humans are humans - bags of water and emotions. We all carry integrity and nonsense in equal measure.

Here’s how things currently look:

Healthy Masculine Patterns

• Steady presence

• Strong without posturing

• Responsible decision-making

• Emotionally aware without losing self-respect

• Protecting without controlling

• Strength with openness

• Able to lead, follow, or collaborate depending on what the moment calls for

→ This is a man who holds his own centre without collapsing into shame or inflating into bravado.

Toxic Masculine Patterns

• Empty bravado

• Rigid, controlling decision-making

• Dominance used to avoid vulnerability

• Emotional shutdown because vulnerability feels alien

• People-pleasing disguised as “being a good guy”

• Aggression as the default response

• Hyper-independence treated as identity

• Power used as armour

• Performing strength instead of living it

→ And it’s definitely not the cheesy “soft masculine” aesthetic Instagram loves.

Healthy Feminine Patterns

• Nurturing with boundaries

• Emotional connection

• Intuition with discernment

• Collaboration rather than competition

• Compassion paired with steadiness

• Sensitivity without fragility

• Warmth without self-abandonment

→ This is a woman who can open her heart without losing her backbone.

Toxic Feminine Patterns

• Manipulation through guilt, silence, or emotional withdrawal

• Over-functioning or martyring to gain power or validation

• Passive aggression

• Emotional chaos used as leverage

• Entitlement disguised as vulnerability

• Infantilisation (“princess energy”) masking control

• Outsourcing responsibility while demanding devotion

→ This is a woman who wields emotion as a weapon rather than a way of connecting.

Underneath all of this, humans want the same things: love, safety, connection, meaning. We’re not as different as we pretend to be. When we understand that, healthy masculinity becomes less of a trend and more of a grounded way of being human with strength and integrity.

• If a man wants to live healthy masculinity, he needs to understand how his patterns were shaped, what genuinely matters to him now, and how to stand in his own centre without losing himself.

• If a woman wants to live healthy femininity, she needs to do the same. Different flavours. Same work.

And all of us need to understand that the needs underneath are universal. We just express them differently.

If you want to learn how to befriend your emotional world and express it with confidence - in your relationship, friendships, family, or simply in daily life - I’m here to help.

Book a conversation

If you know someone who needs to read this, share it and help bring clarity into a very messy new hype.